Eugene Hardie

May 31, 2020, 9:21 a.m.

How about a ghost story?

Eugene had never thought about his family history. Which was strange because he spent a lot of time thinking about dead people which was a lot like studying history. Huh. Yes, it was A LOT like studying history - had Eugene accidentally become a master historian? The evidence suggested that he had. This cheered him some but recent failures still managed to dull his sense of achievement. He had hoped that he could master death and become powerful enough to present the RMI ghosts with a compulsory survey that would reveal their sneaky plan AND provide a definite answer to the question: What is the best breakfast food?

Much like how Vegetarians had taught us that bacon was the best meat Eugene hoped to use ghosts to discover what the ultimate morning snack was. Because no one understood the deliciousness of food like those who were eternally deprived of it. Was it it eggs, or Lucky Charms that made them miss their flimsy people-suits enough to torment the children of RMI? Eugene was beginning to worry that he would never know. But maybe, he was wrong. Maybe Eugene could get the bottom of it all and today’s lesson was going to help him.

Eugene didn’t know why it hadn’t come to him before. It was sooo obvious!

He would appeal to Mr Boot. Boot taught history. He must know all about RMI’s ghosts and once he understood how much Eugene mirrored him Mr Boot would be thrilled to help. After all they both enjoyed pancakes and both were master historians. Once Boot saw how great Eugene was at family trees he would see that Eugene was his best and brightest history student and have no choice but to help Eugene seduce the ghosts of RMI. It was the perfect plan. Eugene had not been this excited since the time he had discovered canned hamburgers (how did it get in there??? Surely, the canned hamburger was a wizard-ey invention?).

Fortunately, Eugene had come appropriately dressed for such a daring plan. He was wearing a polo shirt which everyone knew was very professional attire. A polo shirt was the uniform of the golfer, if men with bags of money who put confidence before brains. No one could look at a polo shirt clad lad and doubt his belief in himself and therefore they too would believe in him. That his polo shirt was rainbow striped only added to its power.

He began the assignment in earnest writing Eugene Samson Hardie in a largely scrawly hand and naming Abigail Ann Harris and Eric Ryan Hardie as his parents. Yet, when he began adding his siblings he began to doubt his skills as a historian. He connected Brandy Lee to Greg Wallace without too much difficulty but once he added Leopold Alexander Harris to the tree Eugene didn't know what to do with the paternal part of his brother's tree so Eugene settled for drawing a turtle in the box that should have represented his brother's father. He was giving Leopold's turtle-dad a snazzy top hat and eyeglass when Madeleine spoke.

Eugene bobbed his head in agreement. "Yeah, that's a great idea," he grinned."I think I'm gonna connect me and Jeb with like a shooting star or something. I'm not adopted but I don't think it's fair if JJ and Amybeth are the only ones who get to claim him. I'm the one who makes the father's day card anyhow."

He picked up his quill intending to add Elisa to the tree next but then he had a thought so big that he had to jump out of his seat just to keep from bursting. "Hey, Madeline," he said, still standing, teeth and dimples on full display, "is adopting hard? Like could I adopt Jeb or would my dad have to die or become a turtle first? I don't think I'd mind him becoming a turtle. I might like him more that way. He'd be all slow moving so he'd have to hangout for longer and I'd win all the sprinting games."

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A History of You [Years 1-4] - Samuel Boot || May 24
More like a herstory - Madeleine Tennant || May 28
How about a ghost story? - Eugene Hardie || May 31
Is it spooky? - Madeleine Tennant || June 07