Elliot Phippen

April 24, 2021, 12:02 p.m.

Time for a shotgun wedding

Elliot was fifteen so he had already had the sex talk, kthx. He’d been five when his little sister was born and his parents had not bothered with lies about storks, they’d just explained sex. Then a couple years ago Dad had given him the talk formally, in a way that suggested either he had lost a coin toss or there was a sniper somewhere in the room that Elliot couldn’t see. Or maybe he had won the coin toss because it meant it would be Mama’s job when it was Ari’s turn to get the sex talk.

Anyway Elliot was prepared. Professor Blair said accidentally spawning was the biggest consequence, but as a bi guy Elliot could think of a few others. You couldn’t just go to one clinic appointment about other consequences. And he wasn’t ruling anyone out, but there was a good chance that it would require a literal miracle and a bad trope for Elliot to make a baby with a partner.

He did have a box of protection in his suitcase, not because he thought he would need it but because it seemed like the kind of thing you should have in case. In case of what? Not sure. RMI didn’t have enough privacy to smash, unless you wanted to bang someone in your House on your side of the dorms (Elliot didn’t) or were cool with getting it on in the passageways and running the risk of cobwebs where cobwebs shouldn’t be. And anyway—well not that Elliot thought he was too young, and it definitely wasn’t that he wasn’t interested, but he had a lot of other stuff on his mind.

Still it was funny when Professor Blair held up her baby like Simba (if it was any other professor he would’ve started singing the opening song from the movie, but Professor Blair really only liked it when she made jokes in her class), and that was when Elliot realized exactly what this was. This class was legen-wait-for-it-dary. It happened every few years and this year it was Elliot’s turn. Fuck. Yeah.

Elliot loved babies. He hadn’t been around babies much in his life because his parents were like the only people in their friend groups who’d had kids, but babies were adorable and stupid in a cute way. They were like dogs that you could teach to talk.

Raising a robo-baby was a fun and ridiculous project, so when Professor Blair assigned him a partner, Elliot decided to start it off as he meant to go on. He slid off his chair and dropped dramatically to one knee, grabbing his partner’s hand. “Since you’re having my baby,” he declared with mock over-the-top feeling, “let’s do the right thing. Marry me?”

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The Birds, The Bees, and The Babies (Years 4-7) - Estelle Blair || April 24
Time for a shotgun wedding - Elliot Phippen || April 24
I call the shotgun - Dakota Farnon || April 24
Guess the wedding is mine then - Elliot || April 24
I take it back, that sounds worse - Dakota Farnon || May 23